Making Hahas with Harley Quinn
by Comix777
Summary: My approach at Harley Quinn's unstable relationship with the Joker, the life of their gang, visits of the Batman and other crazy things that happen between the walls of Arkham City. Includes other villains' cameos and OCs. Kept mostly in a light-hearted mood. Rated T, for language and adult (which basically means immature) humor.
1. The Big Plan

_Author's note:_

_It may be a one-shot, it may turn into regular series. Write a review if you wish to see more. Enjoy :)_

* * *

"HARLEY !"

A loud scream vibrated through the air, giving every thug in the Steel Mill a very precious information.

Joker was angry.

"Looks like Jay's about to blow some heads.", I said. I knew Joker long enough to know that few people alive or few people dead didn't really make a difference to him.

"Naah, he's been pretty stable lately.", Wacky added. He was a rather tall, muscled guy; no wonder he took the protective armor for himself.

"Stable ? The Joker ? Yeah, right.", Sharky added. Jay already gave him a taste of his frustration once and boy, he barely made it out alive from that smelting chamber.

"He's been pretty quiet, that's true. But that pretty much means that he can blow up any minute now.", Gray said. At the age of fifty-two he was the oldest of us, so he liked to play the smart one. Shit, he really was the smart one, but bragging about it was pretty annoying.

"HARLEY !", another yell made its way from the boss' office.

"What do ya think it is now ?", I asked. Guessing why did the Joker do something was completely pointless, but it was our favourite thing to do while we weren't beaten up by the Bat or playing cards.

"Maybe it's about the socks again ?", Wacky asked.

"I'm pretty sure he can find them now... can he ?", Sharky asked with doubt.

"The boss has been in the same suit for weeks. It's kinda gross, but it solved the socks problem.", Gray added.

"HARLEY !"

"Ok, I'll go and tell Harley that the boss wants to see her.", I said and took my gun with me before leaving. I knew perfectly well that Joker would probably kill me if I'd do anything to Harley, but nevertheless, I felt safer while talking to her when I had a gun in my hand.

* * *

Harley was in the smelting chamber, watching as some of the guys were practising at a provisional shooting range.

"Hey, Harl, the boss wants to see ya.", I said shortly.

Harley made the big-eyes and her jaw dropped slightly.

"Mistah J is calling me know ? Does he feel worse ?", she asked nervously.

"I dunno, but..."

"Does he need more meds ?!"

"I ain't sure, but..."

"Is he dying ?!"

"I wish I was dying.", I thought to myself. "Harley, Jay is fine. Just go to the office and talk to him. Right ?", I asked. I felt like a fucking nanny, maybe except for the decent salary.

"Right !", Harley stood up and saluted, which looked pretty comically. She used the elevator to get to the first floor, leaving me thinking.

"How the hell did she survived in this place ?"

* * *

I knocked in the door quietly; Mistah J didn't like when I was acting noisy. Or speaking. Or acting noisy while speaking.

"Hello ? Puddin' ?"

"Har...ley...", he let out a weak whisper and coughed.

"Puddin' !", I said with shock. No, this could not be happening !

I ran to him and kneeled by his side, grabbing his arm and shaking it, like it was going to help.

"Harley... you're here.", he whispered.

"I am here, puddin'.", I said through tears.

"Listen... I don't how much longer I have left.", he said and coughed again. "Listen, you need to be strong... you need...", he said only to be interrupted by another cough.

"What ? What is it ?", I said and almost pressed my ear against his mouth to hear him better.

"When I'm gone... you need to... burn down your wardrobe. It's awful. You dress like a poor-man's Miley Cyrus. Harley Circus.", Mistah J said and bursted into laughter, completely shocking me. "And that is EXACTLY the kind of reaction I want from you when we perform this little act of ours on the Bats ! If you... if you could only see your face ! It's hilarious !", he said and laughed again.

"But... I thought you were dying...", I said with disbelief.

"I know ! I'm good. But we need to work on your acting. When the Bats comes here..."

"But... how will he find us ?"

"The way he always finds us... Psychic powers, of course ! I mean, he couldn't be just a regular guy in a bat's suit, right ?"

"Okay... so, when he'll find us..."

"I want you to pretend that I'm really dead. I want you to cry, mourn me, cut your wrists if you wish."

"Um... and then ?"

"Then, the Clayface..."

"How is he suddenly here ?"

"The power of plot, my dear. Anyway, then Clayface, disguised as me, will sneak up on him and and knock him out using a gas, and then..."

"Couldn't I just knock him out with a bat ?"

"No, because I want him to think that I'm not sick. Besides, beating a Bat with a bat would be ridiculous. Then, we'll put him into a wheelchair..."

"Like Bane once did ?"

"Noooo. We're gonna stick him to it with a tape in order to pump him up with some of my blood. I'll let him know that I'm sick..."

"Then why do you want him to think that you're fine in the first place ?", I asked with confusion.

"Huh. Women ! Always making irrational schemes and not understanding the simplest plans ! Anyway, then I'm gonna push him from the window in that wheelchair..."

"Won't that kill him ?"

"Nope."

"How can you know that, puddin' ?"

"Because he's Batman."

I couldn't help but just nod.

"Then, he'll have to find a cure for me and all those people from Gotham that I poisoned.", Mistah J said with a triumphal smile.

"But... wouldn't he just save all those people anyway ? What's the point of poisoning him ? What if he dies on his way to get the cure ?"

"Oh, questions, questions, questions ! Enough of these. You know what time this is ?", Mista J asked.

"Sponge-bath time ?"

"No."

I just sighed with relief.

"It's time for you to get out of my office !", he shouted suddenly.

"Sure puddin', no problemo.", I said nervously with a big smile and left the office in a hurry.

Joker sat back in his chair, looking at the amusement mile. The industrial smog covered the sky long time ago, along with the winter clouds.

"God, she's got a point. No wonder I get defeated every time.", Joker said to himself.


	2. Batman's Kryptonite

_Author's note:_

_Evil Clown : Thank you kindly for the first review :)_

_Masquerade man1234 : That's exactly the kind of encouragement that I like :)_

* * *

"_A bullet in his head... finally. Picking through the lead... who knows ? Anxiety..._", I muttered to myself in a sing-sang voice. I was alone behind the gate leading to the Steel Mill, waiting for Sharky to come over and open the damn thing for me. It was dark and cold and I already had enough scavenging for today.

After a couple of minutes, Sharky finally appeared along with few other guys, Wacky and Grey among them.

"Whatcha got here, Reddie ?", Sharky asked looking at the big bag that I carried.

"Some of that shit they call 'food' and some other things.", I answered as the others were opening the gate. "Something happened while I was gone ?", I asked.

"We had a little discussion over there.", Grey muttered.

"Yeah, and we wondered what your opinion would be.", Wacky added.

"About Harley being a dude ? Already told ya, even is she is, Jay doesn't mind.", I responded with bored tone.

"Naah, not this.", Wacky said as we were walking towards a small shack that served as our room. We mostly talked there about various stuff, like life, philosophy and when this all went wrong.

We even managed to smuggle in four chairs and a table, and now we all took our seats.

"We were actually wondering about some way to kill the Bat.", Wacky said.

"What ? Did you see 'em ?", I asked nervously.

"Naah, he wasn't here. But we were just wondering.", Wacky answered.

"I still think he's invincible. Like that other guy with his undies on his pants, ya'know, the one from Metropolis. I mean, I once unloaded a full magazine into the Bat and he still managed to beat the shit out of me and the others.", Sharky said.

"Did you try shooting at his jaw ?", I asked.

"What jaw ?"

"His jaw is uncovered. You didn't notice ?"

"Isn't it kinda stupid to cover your entire body except for one, vulnerable spot ?", Grey asked. His comment was ignored.

"Naah, I didn't notice any jaw. Was too busy shitting my pants. I mean seriously, this guy is a freakin' nightmare.", Sharky said.

"Wouldn't a guy dressed up as a bat be more silly than scary ?", Grey asked. Once again, his comment was ignored.

"I still think...", Wacky said, only to be interrupted by everybody.

"He's **NOT** a cyborg !"

"Well... he could be.", Wacky responded.

"Shit.", I suddenly said.

"What ?", the others asked with confusion, Sharky even grabbed his shotgun.

"I almost forgot I've got something for ya.", I said and reached to inside of my bag. I grabbed those five cans of beer that I managed to find in some abandonded building and placed them on the table.

"Well, you didn't mention **these** shinies at the gate.", Sharky said with excitement.

"It would end with a brawl with all the other guys. The beer is more precious than gold in this shithole.", I muttered before opening my can.

"I'll never get tired of this sound.", Sharky said while opening his beer.

"So, who gets the extra can ?", Wacky added.

"Me. I'm the oldest.", Grey muttered.

"You could get a heart attack, grandpa.", I said with a smirk.

"Your ass will get my-boot-attack if you won't shut up.", Grey said calmly and reached for the beer, only to lose it when I grabbed it first.

"Naah, I've got a better idea. The one who makes up the best way to kill the Bat get's the extra beer. Deal ?"

Everybody nodded, even Grey, though he muttered some swear quietly.

"How about some bombs ? No one's can recover after that.", Sharky suggested.

"Naah, he's got that funky, wall climbing gun of his.", Wacky responded.

"How is this even able to lift his weight ?", Grey continued to wonder.

"I think that ambushing him with a group is the best way to beat 'em.", Wacky said.

"Nope. I saw him taking down the entire crowds with some high-tech gadgets.", I answered.

"How is this possible for one guy to defeat dozens of bloodthirsty psychos ?", Grey said more to himself than to us.

I decided to bet my opinion as well.

"I'm still the fan of jaw-shooting. His armor may be made from freaking adamantium..."

"What ?", Sharky asked.

"Wrong universe...", I muttered to myself. "His armor may be good, but his jaw ? One shot and he's done."

"That won't work.", Wacky said. "I saw that jaw of his. It's just... it's so freaking manly ! It's literally covered with manliness. I bet he could destroy a freaking wall with it."

"Wouldn't it be covered with many scars after all those fights ?", Grey said.

"Besides...", Wacky said. "This dude has been in town since the beggining. Since the beggining of the gang, I mean. He's way too experienced to allow some regular gang-banger like you to just shoot him in the jaw."

"How is that possible that one man doesn't sleep normally for so many years and yet he's still at the peek of human condition ?", Grey continued his wondering while unconsciously taking the last beer and opening it.

When we finally stopped arguing about the best way to kill the Bat, we could only watch helplessy as the beer was being swallowed by the inhuman monster behind the table.

We've already seen some fucked shit, most of it done by us. We did and saw things that most people wouldn't even believe in.

But drinking the last beer was fucking too much.

It was... gone.

"What ? What are you all looking at ?", Grey asked.

Oh, the sweet obliviousness.

* * *

"Choo-choo, here comes the yum-yum train !", Harley said in a child-like voice.

"Oh, for the love of... Harley, stop doing that !", I shouted when I realized that Harley has been in my office for over twenty minutes and the damn soup was probably cold already. I hated the fact that she feeded me. More so, I hated the fact that she didn't have to do it !

"Oh, Mistah J, but you refused to eat your dinner...", she said sadly. "If you're gonna act like a child, I'm gonna treat you as a child."

"But... I don't like it. It tastes like cabbage and kittens. Mostly like kittens, though. Don't we have anything else ?"

"Well... Mr. Hammer found something resembling a meat in the sewers. Perhaps I could..."

"No, no, the soup is fine !", I said quickly before she could say more. "Just... make it more fun. You know how much I hate when something is boring, right, sweetie ?", I asked with a smile. Well, with wider smile than usual.

Harley was thinking for a minute before she took the spoon again.

"Heeeere comes the yum-yum train !"

"Oh, not this aga..."

"There's a box full of kittens on the rails ! Stop the train ! The breakes aren't fast enough ! There's a collision, people are being ejected from their seats and into the walls, smashing them and their friends !", Harley suddenly shouted with terror in voice.

"What... the..."

"The kittens are safe, though.", she added with a smile.

"... I'll eat the damn soup."


	3. Batman's Free Time

_Author's note:_

_Masquerade man1234 : Thank you kindly :)_

_Guest : Don't worry, "You are my cure" will go on as normal._

_SectumSemprae : Yep, Reddie is the most sane of them all... which isn't saying much :D_

* * *

I looked for another clip, only to find none. The Bat was beating the crap out of us, breaking arms and knocking out teeth. The usual stuff.

When the rest of the guys was down, he looked at me.

"You've got something on your nose.", he said kindly and smiled.

Then he punched me so hard I landed good couple feets away.

"It was JUSTICE !", he shouted, spitting himself over. He then used that grapple-gun of his to leave the area, to do God-only-knows what he was doing in his spare time... actually...

* * *

"Okay, so what's the today's topic ? Except for the fact that Reddie doesn't need his clown-nose anymore ?", Sharky asked with a smirk. Bat managed to beat the shit out of me and my scavenging group and my nose still didn't heal completely.

"How about we cut you into little pieces and feed you to those loons from Two-Face's gang ?", I asked ominously. My stuffy nose completely destroyed the effect, though.

"C'mon, learn how to laugh from yourself.", Sharky answered.

"For you it's a lot easier.", I said.

"So, what's the subject ?", Wacky asked nervously, probably stopping me from glueing Sharky's hair to his mattress at night.

"I've been thinking..."

"No way !", Sharky interrupted me. The glue thing was on again.

"Shut up. I've been thinking... what does the Bat actually do in his spare time ? I mean, he can't beat the shit out of us twenty four per seven. He doesn't show up during day.", I said.

"Maybe... maybe he sleeps ? You know, like a real Bat... hanging from the ceiling, head down, screaming loudly when somebody enters the room...", Wacky said, only to shut up when we universally gave him a funny look.

"Okay, maybe not."

"Maybe he has a normal job ? Like, I dunno, on a cash register ?", Grey suggested.

We all imagined this.

Batman, in a Wall-Mart uniform.

"I am vengeance... I am the night... I need a raise."

"Naah, that can't be the case.", Sharky said.

"Maybe he's a rich guy ? You know, a kind of guy who has too much spare time. Like Bruce Wayne.", Wacky said.

A hysterical laugh made its way from Jay's office.

"Bruce Wayne !", Jay shouted loudly. "If he's Batman, then I am Luke Skywalker !"

**Meanwhile, in Two-Face's hideout...**

Two-Face, still sleeping, suddenly was ejected from his bed.

"And I'm the king of England !", he shouted. He then looked around. "What exactly happended ?", his Harvey-side said.

"Go back to the damn bed.", his scarred side responded.

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Or what ?"

"That's it !", Harvey-side shouted and left the room.

"Where are you going ?", scarred side asked.

"I'm sleeping on the couch."

**Back at the Steel Mill...**

"Maybe he's pervert ?"

"WHAT ?!", we all shouted. Sharky was just sitting there, visibly proud of his theory.

"What... what does it have to do with anything ?", I asked with shock.

"Well... it's a very muscular guy in a tigh, rubber suit, right ?"

"Yeah... but...", I tried to say only to be interrupted.

"You know how it is... a powerful man, a stressful job...", Sharky added.

"Dude, change the subject.", Grey said.

"And do I really need to remind you about...", Sharky continued with malicious smile.

"You won't...", Wacky suddenly got pale.

"Yeah. Exactly. The Bat-nipples."

Our minds were floaded with memories of that day.

**Five years earlier...**

We were robbing a bank in the middle of Gotham, knowing perfectly well that cops will be too late to stop us. Suddenly, we heard somebody shouting "Hey ! You !". We turned back to face the intruder. What we saw could only be described as horror.

"Hi, goons. I'm Batman."

A man dressed up in a dark-blue costume with sticky Bat-nipples, large Bat-crotch and, last but not least, huge Bat-butt. Right behind him, there was a young boy, dressed up similarly, with an evident feeling of shame.

"Can't we just go home ?", the boy asked.

"NO !", the creature with nipples said. "There's a crime to fight ! Besides, the suits are already rented and we HAVE to wear them."

"But... even Alfred said they're silly..."

"Alfred's an idiot. Now, prepare yourself for..."

When the Bat looked around, he realised that we were calling the cops.

**Five years later...**

"We promised NOT to talk about this again.", I said coldly.

"Well... he could be, right ? I mean, he and Robin... you know... the 'dynamic duo'. The Dark Knight Rises. Every night.", Sharky continued.

"Please, just SHUT UP !", I shouted.

"Wait, I thought he's with Catwoman ? They've always seen in the same places.", Wacky said.

"The Robin theory sounds more probable, though.", Grey responded.

We all couldn't help but agree.

* * *

"Harley, please, just put it on !", I said. We were sitting in my office, using the fact that most of the gang was either scavenging or otherwise busy outside.

"No !"

"Pretty please ?"

"I said 'no'. You know, I've been wearing various things for ya, the jester outfit, the nurse outfit, the biker-girl outfit, heck, I didn't even say anything when you told me to dress up as a mexican wrestler..."

A smile appeared on my face (well, wider then usual) when I remembered the Nelson hold she used on me that day.

"... but this is just too much !"

"Why not ? It's not nearly as bad as your usual wardrobe.", I said. Oops.

Harley furiously left the room, leaving me alone, sitting in my chair.

"Well, it seems like it's not the time yet.", I said and put the fake Bat-suit back to the closet.


	4. Batman's One Rule

_Author's note:_

_SectumSemprae : I'm actually surprised Batman and Robin didn't make up in front of Poison Ivy. After her attempt to seduce them both, this would actually be funny. But all those nipples, seriously, why ? Why not Bat-nails or Bat-nostrils, anything but that..._

_JaquesRiddle : Where, if there will be a demand, then I'll think there will be lots of chapters._

_Masquerade man1234 : Thank you kindly :)_

_P.S For the better effect, just read Batman's quotes in Christian Bale' Bat-voice. Just a little advice._

* * *

"Not this again.", I muttered. Bat was in the middle of beating the shit out of me and my scavenging group, which included Sharky this time. "At least he won't be laughing from my nose anymore.", I thought.

I tried to shoot the Bat with my shotgun, but he only grunted slightly when I did so.

"Seriously, what is this suit made of ?", I thought to myself.

Suddenly, one of the guys tried to punch Batman from behind, but he quickly jumped away, leaving some blue substance on the ground. He then pressed some kind of a trigger.

The substance exploded and blew the guy to pieces.

"Wow, what the hell ?!", I shouted.

"What ?", the Bat asked while punching another dude.

"I thought that you didn't kill !"

"That's because I don't. I have one rule..."

"Yeah, yeah, that's very cool, but you just straight up murdered this guy !"

"Um... no."

"What ? What does it mean 'no' ?!"

"I didn't kill him."

"But you just blew him to smithereens !", I protested.

"My Detective Vision doesn't detect any dead body.", he said.

"Your what ?"

"Besides, I don't use guns. They are the weapons of cowardly and superstitious.", he said with rage.

"But... you do realise that you don't exactly have to... shoot somebody to kill them, right ?", I asked.

"I know, right.", he said and threw a batarang at another guy, which lodged itself into the guy's eye. He fell on the ground like a bag of puppies.

"What the hell was that ?!"

"What ?", he asked innocently.

"You... you just killed him !"

"... no."

"But... he doesn't move !"

"I knocked him out."

"What ?"

"He's unconscious. I hurt them, they get unconscious, I win."

"But... but..."

"I vowed to never take a life. That's why I don't use guns... which by the way, surely didn't kill my parents when I was little.", he said.

"But... okay, Bats, what are your batarangs made of ?", I asked slowly, like a teacher explaining something to a child. Mass-murdering child.

"They're made purely out of JUSTICE ! And hardened steel."

"Okay, so what will happen when you throw that hardened steel at somebody's **face** ?"

"Uh...", Batman muttered with confusion. I looked at him with hope.

"They...", I said, trying to give him a clue.

"They... they get unconscious. And I win. And then Alfred calls... I mean... uh... I totally didn't mean a butler who raised me after my parents died, which is totally not how the foster care system works... yeah."

"No, they DIE. They're dead, dead, dead !", I shouted with frustration.

"But I didn't shoot them...", Batman said. When one guy from my group woke up, he tried to sneak upon the Bat to knock him out. The Bat was too fast and noticed him, then used that grappling-hook of his to get a carbine rifle from one of the dead goons and used it to shoot the poor guy.

"WHAT ON GOD'S NAME WAS THAT ?!", I shouted. Everybody in Arkham-freaking-City heard me.

"What is it this time ?", Batman asked with annoyance.

"You said... you just said you don't use guns !"

"I have one rule..."

"And you just DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT RULE ! You used a gun !"

"Nooo... this is not a gun."

"WHAT ?!"

"That's not what shot my... that's not what **didn't** shoot my parents. Guns are smaller and they have different shape and cowboys use them... that's why I fight them."

"Wait... you mean revolvers ? You... you do realise those aren't the only types of guns, right ?", I asked.

"Uh... what ?"

**The World's Greatest Detective !**

"THIS is a carbine rifle. It's a gun."

"So this is a gun ?", he held the rifle in the air while pointing his finger at it.

"YES ! It's a gun ! And you just KILLED HALF OF THOSE GUYS !"

"Shhh... they'll get up."

"Oh... just punch me already..."

The Bat did so and I fell on the ground, pretty sure that somewhere out there, there was a butler who deserved a fucking medal for his patience.

**Sometime later...**

I was finally back, along with the guys who managed to SURVIVE.

"Okay, so who's gonna tell Jay about the dead meat ?", Sharky asked. All the other guys were probably in a serious need of therapy, so I decided to go tell'em myself.

"The boss may even kill me. At least I know I can expect that.", I thought to myself.

I used a ladder to get to Jay's office, stopping in front of the door. I knew Jay didn't like when we didn't knock, which usually ended in one of us being a new target at the shooting range. I was just about to knock, when suddenly, I heard some weird noises coming out from Jay's office.

"Oh, Mistah Jay... you're sooo good at this... but ya know, there's no need to be so gentle."

"Oh, I promise I won't.", Jay said maliciously.

"That's it, just grab it."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Mistah Jay, you won't..."

"Yes, I will.", he chuckled.

"God, it's everywhere. You made such a mess."

"Don't worry, it washes off easily. Besides, it smells like strawberries."

I frozed with my tracks.

At the same time, some guy was walking nearby the ladder and stumbled over, pushing me along with the ladder. I fell through the door, and the terryfying picture revealed itself.

Harley, sitting in Jay's chair.

Jay, standing next to her. With a pair of scissors and a bottle of hair conditioner. The hair conditioner was leaking, dropping on the floor.

"Reddie, mah'boy ! It's so good to see you !", Jay said, making a vigorous move with his hand and unconsciously cutting off a solid piece of Harley's hair, much to her obliviousness.

"Um... hi, boss ? Hi, Harley ?", I said, still laying on the ground.

"We surely didn't see each other for a loooong time.", Jay said and flicked his arm again, cutting off another piece of hair.

"Um... yeah, that's... that's a real shame, boss."

"How about a joke, then ?"

"Uh... sure."

"Have you heard the one about the thug who didn't knock and then was sent to his grandma in a box ? Or boxes, should I say ?"

"Um... we lost three guys, found some cans, got beaten by the Bat, bye !", I said and raised from the ground, then made a hard choice of jumping down from the office, not even caring about the ladder anymore. I managed to land without hurting myself, although I shat my pants. "Heck, Jay's bad, Batman's bad... who the fuck doesn't want to kill me here ?"

* * *

"Well, that was weird.", I said and looked back at Harley.

"Are you done, puddin' ?", Harley asked with a big smile and sparks in her eyes. I looked at her hair.

Oh shit. Not good.

"Um... is there any chance you could start wearing your jester hat again ?"

* * *

_Author's note:_

_And with this chapter, the Batman's Saga is ended. Not the fic, but just the chapters that are mostly about the Batman.  
_


	5. The Quest For Nothing

_Author's note:_

_SectumSemprae : Reddie is someone extraordinary. He's insane enough to side up with Joker, yet he's sane enough to question him and even the Batman. Besides, wouldn't comic books be thousand times funnier if Batman was dumb ? I mean, just imagine him acting the way he acted in my chapter in stories like "Death in the Family" or "The Killing Joke" :)_

_Robin0014 : Yeah, I've always thought there's not enough interaction between Harley and the Joker in Arkham games, but when we finally saw them, they've been very BTAS-like, so I'm trying to write them in the same style._

_Masquerade man1234 : Actually, Joker and Batman will have some interaction, so maybe the subject will come up._

* * *

"Remind me, why are we stealing this ?"

"Cause Jay told us to steal it.", Sharky answered me while shooting at the thugs from Two-Face's gang. God, they were **really** pissed off. I was behind the cover, reloading my rifle.

"I know, but why this ? It makes NO sense.", I said while looking at the karaoke set with goofy, pink letters on the box.

"Yeah, cause normally Jay makes A WHOLE lot of sense !", Sharky shouted while shooting.

"Why does he even need that ? For Harley ?", Grey asked. He was using a sniper rifle and boy, he was good at this.

"No way. Did you ever hear her singing ? She sounds like a whale giving birth to a truck.", Wacky answered while blowing up somebody's head with a shotgun.

"And how do you know that ?", I asked.

"Uh..."

**Three weeks earlier...**

"_Booooorn to be wiiiiiiiild !_", Wacky and Harley sang, breaking the windows in the 30 feet radius. Both of them were listening to Harley's iPod, thinking that nobody can see them.

"Good Lord above us...", Joker muttered while peeping on them through a keyhole. "Couldn't she just cheat on me ? It would be better than THIS."

**Three weeks later...**

"Uh... I'm just guessing.", Wacky muttered. "Me, on the other hand..."

We never found out what was on the other hand, cause those wackjobs from Two-Face's gang actually brought a freakin' rocket launcher with them.

"They got a BAZOOKA !", Sharky shouted.

"That's a rocket launcher.", Grey answered calmly. "Wait, WHAT ?"

"What's the difference ?", Wacky asked.

"Hello !? There's a rocket launcher or whatever you want to call it.", I reminded them. Damn, I'm dead already. My entire crew for this mission consisted of those three Einsteins. God, I'm so dead.

Those loons shot a rocket at us, blowing up a nearby car.

"If I'll get deaf from the explosion, at least I won't have to listen to Harley singing.", Sharky said.

"Maybe it's for Jay ?", Grey suggested.

We looked at him.

Guys from the Two-Face's gang looked at him.

Batman, beating the shit out of some thugs on a nearby roof, looked at him.

"What ?", he asked.

"Dude, Joker totally can't sing.", I said.

"What about that one time when he got all those powers and killed Bat over and over again and...", Grey said.

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN !", I said. "Besides, this show sucked anyway !"

"I thought it was pretty good...", Wacky said. I smacked him with a rifle.

"Then who is that for ?", Sharky asked. He managed to shoot another two guys with his pistol, but there was more of them coming.

"Maybe for that whole Mr. Hammer ?", Grey asked.

"Dude, he's Russian. He barely know English.", Sharky responded.

"Actually, he seems to know English really well. Which is weird, considering he has no education.", Grey muttered.

"Actually, why Two-Face needed that stuff in the first place ?", I asked. We stole it from one of his hideouts; it seemed like it was his everyday apartment.

"Maybe he likes to sing ?", Wacky suggested. We all shared a good laugh, including those loons from the other gang.

**Meanwhile...**

"Stolen ? What does it mean it was STOLEN ?!", Two-Face shouted.

"They didn't took the dictionary.", one of the Two-Faces thugs muttered to the other.

"Well... they took it... and bailed.", the other one said to his boss.

Two-Face flipped his coin; it landed on the good side.

"You may go.", he said.

Thugs left his room and he sat on his bed, bursting into tears.

"Why is this world so cold and unfair !?", his Harvey-side sobbed.

"Oh, please.", the scarred side said.

"Hold me !"

"... how ?"

**Back to our heroes... villains... you know...**

We managed to shoot most of those loons and the rest of them retreated.

"We all went to hell and back for this freakin' thing.", I said.

"Yeah. But we're safe and sound now.", Sharky said. "I mean, what could possibly happen ? The Bat is gonna come out and kill us ?"

"Don't even get me STARTED.", I said.

**Sometime later...**

As soon as the boys were back with that important thing Mistah J told them to get, he closed himself in his office and told me he would come out in 15 minutes. He also told me that if I'll hear some weird sounds, that's probably him, exercising.

"Actually... he'll might get thirsty.", I thought. I grabbed a bottle of water, took the spare key to the office and opened the door.

What I saw was... disturbing.

"_Only youuuuuuuu... _Harley, WHAT THE HELL are you doing here ?!", Mistah J shouted, really startled. He was covering himself with a blanket.

"Puddin' ? What's going on ?"

"Uh..."

"What is this big screen for ?", I asked suspiciously. The new TV he had was turned off, but he was holding the remote.

"Uh... I was... I was..."

"Well ?"

"I was masturbating.", he said and sighed.

"WHAT ?!"

* * *

Harley left the office furiously (which was her usual way of leaving the office), leaving me alone. I dropped the blanket on the floor, glad that she didn't see the Batman picture I was hiding.

I sighed with relief. "That was close. Where was I ? Oh, that's right.", I said and turned on the TV. "_Can make this wooorld seem right..._"

"Hi, boss, we've been...", one of my goons busted into the room and then looked at me with shock.

We both stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

He then grabbed the doorknobs and slowly closed the door, leaving the room.

"You think he saw us ?", I said to the Bats' picture.


	6. Wacky's Journal

_SectumSemprae : Naah, he wasn't doing anything too dirty... this time :) He just needed some excuse for Harley to leave. I mean, can you imagine a way for him to record "Only you" for Batman so no one in the entire Steel Mill wouldn't hear him ? Cause I surely don't._

_Masquerade man1234 : Thank you kindly for the review, I'm glad you liked the chapter :)_

_Tess'ika : Knowing Harley, she would probably believe it. I mean seriously, how could she not notice that Joker recorded a song for Batman ?_

_P.S Just for the sake for this chapter, Wacky's voice is low, kinda like a big, fat thug. Which he basically is. You can actually hear it in the game._

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 1._

_It was a stormy day in Arkham City. Heavy, black clouds covered the sky, with the occasional bolts of lightning appearing. I decided not to go for scavenging with Reddie today; the rain was too heavy. Instead I was sitting next to a window, thinking._

"_Hey, Wacky !", Sharky called me._

_I just waved to him and continued to stare outside._

"_Hey, what's wrong, man ?", Sharky said and came closer. "I expected some more love."_

"_Then go to the Abramovici. I'm sure he has plenty of love for ya."_

"_Very funny. So what is it ? The fact that you screwed up yer entire life and now you're in some weird-ass prison for freaks ?", he asked._

"_Um...no."_

"_Oh... that's... that's not the reason why I cry myself to sleep."_

"_What ?"_

"_So anyway, what's the matter ?", Sharky asked._

"_I'm just thinking... you know, about... the Kid."_

"_Oh, no you don't. That guy is gone.", he said harshly. "And you better remember that."_

"_But... I think we could've done more... ya'know, to help him and..."_

"_NO !", Sharky said and bitch-slapped me. "He's gone, you get it ?!", he said and walked away, probably to find some new guy to throw into smelting chamber._

"_What a dickhole.", I said to myself._

"_What was that all about ?", Harley walked into the corridor I was in and asked._

"_Nothing. Just some bad memories."_

"_What'cha mean ?"_

"_Ya'know... there used to be the five of us. Me, Sharky, Reddie, Grey and the Kid. He was the youngest of us. We were robbing a bank, when suddenly the Bat appeared..."_

**Five years earlier...**

"_What is this freak ?!", I said to the others. The creature with Bat-nipples seemed to ignore the fact that Grey called the cops. Reddie and Sharky hugged each other, trembling at the sight. But the Kid was too close..._

_The creature tried to punch him, but instead, the Bat's nipples struck Kid in the eyes._

"_Oh, no, not the nipples ! NOT THE NIPPLES ! Aaaaaah ! They're in my eyes ! MY EYES ! Aaaaah !"_

_The Kid was struggling, trying to get that abominable thing out of his eyes. He finally did, but then he fell on the ground._

"_God, help us...", I muttered._

**Five years later...**

"_That's... a very weird story, Wacky. What happened to the Kid ?"_

"_He went through mental breakdown. Even to this day, he still cannot visit beaches... or men lockrooms... or take baths..."_

"_Wow... that's... even weirder. Did the Bat plucked his eyes out ?"_

"_Naah. But the Kid surely wished he would."_

"_I... I think I'll leave ya with yer thoughts.", Harley said and awkwardly left the room._

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 2._

_Been on scavenging, despite saying I wouldn't go. Turns out we were running out of booze. Shit got serious and some bozo from Penguin's gang shot me in the ** lower back**. Jay said that's unnaccetable and that he'll personally find a surgeon for me. What a nice guy._

_It pains to sit. The trip to the bathroom wasn't really that humiliating. What was humiliating was the mess that I've left behind me. People were taking straws to see who will have to clean it; I think one guy deserted._

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 3._

_Still no surgeon. I think Jay was messing with me. We saw the Bat today, but fortunately, he only passed by. I'm wondering: how can he spend so much time in here ? Doesn't he, like, have to pee or something ? Does he wear a diaper under these shorts ? What if he needs to go during some important do-or-die situation ? I still think he's a cyborg. And a perv._

_P.S Seriously, who wears a completely disposable pair of undies and a rubber mask ?_

_P.S 2 And what happens to the guys he knocks out ?_

_P.S 3 And what's the deal with the eye make-up ?!_

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 4._

_Found some green, question-mark trophy thingy._

_Made a good (lower) back scratcher out of it._

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 5._

_Today I found out who was my surgeon. At first I though it was gonna be Grey, he knows how to stitch people. But he said he wasn't. Instead, Mr. Abramovici came to me after the dinner._

"_The Joker told me to help you. Don't move.", he said._

"_What ?__ But..."_

"_I know, the butt. There's no reason to be ashamed.", he said with his thick, Russian accent. "Now, prepare for your examination."  
_

"_No, but..."_

"_I know, butt. Now, stay still.", he said and bended me over a table. _"_Now, take off your pants and prepare yourself for the Red Army trick."_

"_God, if you'll save me now, I promise to stop killing people... in Sundays.", I whispered._

"_Aadin... dvah... trree...", Abramovici counted while aiming with his arm. He chuckled. "Stressed ?"_

"_Well, actuallyYYYYYYYYYY... !"_

* * *

_Wacky's Journal, entry numbah 6._

_Abramovici touched... my... butthole._


	7. Puppy, Vengeance and a Pair of Pants

_Author's note:_

_Masquerade man1234 : Thank you for the review :)_

_SectumSemprae : You heart Abramovici for sticking his arm in somebody's... lovehole ? Well, I guess I need to expand that subplot know XD_

* * *

I watched the city, corrupted and filthy, crouching on the rooftop of the old building.

"Those street punks don't know who really owns the night.", I said to myself, looking at crooks who were down there.

Even in Arkham City, someone had to fight for justice. Even in darkness, there needed to be light. Light, guarded by the dark knight, the watchful protector. **I** am vengeance. **I** am the night. **I** am...

"What the hell are you doing ?", Reddie came on the rooftop and said.

* * *

Wacky was crouching on the rooftop with bed-sheet wrapped around his neck and a pair of bottoms on his head.

I honestly didn't know what to say about it.

"Sshhhh !", he hissed on me. "I'm monologuing. Go away.", he added.

"O-kay then."

* * *

Reddie left the rooftop.

"Where was I... ah, yes. The watchful protector, the tragic crime-fighter, the defender of Gotham..."

"By the way, Abramovici left the box of chocolotes on your bed. Again. Do you have any idea why ?", Reddie asked before leaving.

"No...", I muttered.

"If you say so.", he said and finally left.

* * *

"But puddin' !", Harley whined, making my head ache again.

"No ! There's no way I would agree on that."

"But p-leaase..."

"No.", I said.

"But... what am I supposed to do with him ?", Harley asked, still holding the damned puppy in her hands.

"Sweetie, come here to me.", I said, my voice softening up. She sat on my laps, still holding the puppy. "There are many ways to solve this."

"Really ?"

"Yes. You can drop him into the smelting chamber, you can put him on the shooting range... I'd suggest a hundred points for that one...", I said and laughed. "And I'm pretty sure he could be used in one of my schemes... wait... wait for it... um... uh... nope, puppies can't be used for evil. Sorry, you gotta get rid of it, bye bye !", I said and pushed Harley off my laps, noticing far too late that the puppy already peed on my pants. "Oh, for the love of..."

Before I could tell Harley to find me a new pair of pants, she already left the room.

"Well, I guess I need to find someone else to help me.", I said to myself and pressed the button on the intercom. "Sharky, could you please be so kind and visit me in my office ? That would be _lovely_."

After ten seconds, Sharky was already knocking at my door, trying to avoid another trip to the smelting chamber.

* * *

I entered the room and stopped immediately after.

Jay, standing right in front of me, with his pants wet and smelling like pee.

"Well ?", he said.

"Well...", I answered, not sure what to do.

"You need to help me change.", he said, gesturing at his pants. "You know, it's been a pretty long time since I changed these.", Jay said and chuckled. "I like to keep all the juices inside."

Holding back a tsunami of puke, I looked at the boss, expecting him to burst into laughter and say it was a joke.

He didn't.

"There's a crowbar over there.", Jay said and pointed out a tool covered in blood, then bended over his desk, his butt-crack staring at me. "Might come in handy."

* * *

"Oh dear, what am I supposed to do with you ?", I said, looking at the puppy.

"Hey, Harl.", Grey waved to me and came closer. I quickly hid the puppy behind my back; God only knows what those psychos could do with a helpless animal.

"Hey, Grey ! Grey-man. The Grey-head. The Elder of the Gang.", I said, realising that I was talking way too much.

"Uh... hey. What's that you're holding over there ?", he asked with a smile.

"Um... nothing ! Just, uh, a snack ! Yeah, that's right. Just a little something before launch time.", I said. God, I'm a genius.

"Would you mind sharing some with me ?"

God, I'm a moron.

"Uh... nooo.", I said.

"Oh... okay."

We stood there for a moment in awkward silence.

"Okay, I've found a puppy and Mistah J didn't let me keep it !"

"I... didn't ask.", Grey said with confusion. "What's the problem ?"

"I can't just get rid of him... just look at him !", I said and pressed the puppy against Grey's face. The puppy waved his tail a little and then licked the older man in the nose.

"I see.", Grey said. "I think I can help you."

* * *

"Well, that was a fun trip, wasn't it, Sharky ?", I asked.

Sharky was sitting in the corner, hugging his legs in fetal position.

"I want my mommy..."

"What's that ? You want your money ? Well, I'm afraid I can't pay you. I left my wallet in some other pants. But if you help me find it, then we could...", I said, but Sharky was already gone.

"Hmmm...", I muttered.

* * *

The screams of the innocent woke me up at night, so I became the Bat, knowing perfectly well that as long as they scream, I won't know peace. And so I started my crusade. Crusade, to wipe this world clean of its corruption and...

"Water cleans the filth... water cleans the filfth..."

I realised Sharky was kneeling on the rooftop, half naked, trying to catch the rain drops with his hands.

"Um... Shark, what are you doing ?", I asked.

"So dirty... so dirty..."

"Uh... I'll continue, then...", I said and cleared my throat. "...to wipe this world clean of its corruption and filth..."

* * *

"Just promise you won't tell anyone.", Grey said to me.

"I promise.", I answered and pointed out my pinky at him.

"Um... What's this ?", he asked.

"Pinky promise."

"Uh... sure.", he grabbed the pinky like a hand and gave me an odd handshake, then opened the door to the mysterious room.

When I entered the room, I just froze and started to look around.

Expensive furniture on the white, murble floor along with matching, bright, pink paper walls, some nice, classic music coming out of a gramophone, bright, stylish lamps in Victorian style, hanging from the ceiling and a big, king-sized bed with a canopy.

"What... what is this ?", I asked.

"That's my secret room. You know... sometimes... I just have to run away from all of this.", Grey said and pointed the outside of the room with his hand. "I mean, I love being a sadistic psychopath who destroys people's lives for fun, but sometimes... I just want some tea.", he said.

I just stared at him in shock.

"Speaking of which, you want some ?", he asked.

"Um... sure. But how can you make it ? I mean, there's no electricity to boil the water."

"I found some weird construction with green question marks in it. So... I just ripped the wire out and lead it through the wall all the way here.", Grey said while pouring me some tea.

"How did you get all this stuff ?", I asked.

"Found it."

**Meanwhile...**

Two-Face was looking at his magazine, robbed and completely empty.

"What... but... how...", his scarred side said. "I told you to lock the door !", he shouted to the Harvey side.

"And I told you not to give me orders.", Harvey side said. "And who's the idiot now ?!"

**Back at the ranch... the Steel Mill... you know...**

"That's a one, lucky finding, Grey. So, can you keep him in there ?", I asked while patting the puppy.

"Sure. He'll be better off here then on the streets. Actually, how did you get that puppy ?"

"The same way as you got all this stuff."

**Meanwhile... again...**

"At least this day is over.", Two-Face said and entered his apartment. "Isn't that right, Mr. Skippy ? Mr. Skippy ?"

His bed was empty. He ran to the second floor, but he found nothing. He checked the basement, but it was empty as well. He fell on his knees.

"MISTER SKIPPY !"

**Back at the Steel Mill...**

"I guess the most valuable treasures can be found in the most unusual places.", Grey said.

"Yeah. I guess they do.", I responded.

* * *

"So dirty... so dirty...", I mumbled to myself, sitting in the corner, trying to get the abominable picture out of my mind. But it was stuck, burned on my eyeballs. "The White Moon..."

"Hey, Shark-ey !", Jay shouted and came closer to me. "I just found a perfectly good pair of pants on the bottom of the dumpster. Harley must've throw them out by accident."

I looked at the tuxedo pants Joker was holding. They were so ungodly dirty, it was hard to believe that they were once purple.

"You know what that means ?", Jay asked. "More dress-ups !", he said with joy.

He started to drag me through the floor, while I was still trying to hold onto it with my nails.

"Sometimes the most valuable treasures can be found in the most unusual places. Which reminds me, I've got that weird rash I'd like you to take a look at."

"NOOOO !"


	8. The Adventure Begins ! Sort of

_Author's note:_

_SectumSemprae : Yeah, poor Two-Face. Poor, robbed, puppyless Two-Face :)_

_PalaeoPanthalassa : Thank you kindly :) I like your nick, by the way._

* * *

"Harley, no... Jay might see us.", Sharky muttered while sleeping.

I just cackled quietly. "Kids these days...", I said. Sleeping in one room with three younger guys who didn't shower for God only knows how long wasn't the best experience in my life, but it reminded me of the old times in the military.

"Wait...", Sharky muttered. "You **want** him to watch us ?"

I barely managed not to laugh.

"I'm in."

My jaw dropped on the floor.

* * *

Harley and I were cuddling, watching the flickering lamps on my ceiling.

"Puddin' ?"

"Hmm ?"

"How about...", she said and reached under the blanket.

I smiled, and waited for her to act.

"... you reconsider allowing J.J to stay ?", she said and took out that damned puppy.

"How... how did he ended up there ?", I asked with shock. "Wait... did you just call him 'J.J' ?"

"Yep.", she answered happily. "That's what I named him. After you.", she added with a big smile.

"Great.", I said. "I've got a younger, psychotic girfriend who cannot dress properly and a dog as a son. I'm basically a celebrity now."

"Pleeaase, puddin', let 'em stay."

I sighed, knowing perfectly well that she'll keep him anyway.

"Okay, okay. Just... just don't let him into the bed anymore, okay ?"

"Sure.", she said and closed her eyes. I wanted kiss her, but then I felt something weird on my tongue.

"Oh look, he likes you !", Harley squealed.

I opened my eyes.

Exchanging saliva with a puppy wasn't on my 'to do' list today. Nor any day. Not. At. All.

* * *

"He said 'no', Grey.", Harley said and sighed.

"Really ?"

"Yeah."

"Well okay, I'll take him in. But he's yours anyway."

"Thanks, Grey.", the girl said with a smile.

"Which means you gotta clean up the big dump he left on my carpet."

The smile faded away, although the dump stayed.

* * *

"Yo, Wacky.", Reddie said and came closer. We bumped knuckles and he said "Abramovici left some paper on your bed. Again.", he said and handed me the damned thing.

"Uh... thanks."

"Any idea why did he do that ?"

"Because I'm Batman ?"

Reddie gave me the funny look and awkwardly left the room.

I sighed and threw the paper on top of the pile of get-well-soon cards in the corner.

* * *

I was on my way to Jay's office, to tell him about the old gramophone I found on the scavenging with Reddie. Jay liked all kinds of weird stuff the he could use to hurt people. How could he hurt people with a gramphone, I have yet to establish. I was thinking about the dream I had before, when suddenly...

Wacky fell on me.

"Get off me, you fat-headed bastard.", I said with anger and he did so.

"I ain't fat Shark, I'm well endowed !", he said defensively. I would probably make a remark about that, but what he wore absorbed my attention completely.

Nothing, to be exact.

"Dude... why are you naked ?"

"I-I was just testing something.", he mumbled.

"What ? Testing how to play Bane and break my back ?"

"No. I was testing this.", he said and showed me some kind of gun, but with a fishing hook attached to it.

"What... what is this ?"

"It's my grappling hook."

"Your what ?"

"My grappling hook. I was testing it."

"Let's assume I understand this part. But why are you naked ?", I asked.

"I wanted to reduce the weight."

"Putting down the fork might help...", I muttered.

"What ?"

"Nothin'. So, why do you need that gadget for ?"

"It's to fight for justice."

"... pardon ?"

"You saw me on the rooftop, right ? While you were kneeling in the rain."

Suddenly, a flashback struck me.

"Those pale cheeks... this red crack...", I whispered.

"Hey, you ain't perfect yourself, you know ?", Wacky said with annoyance.

I hugged him, mumbling incoherently.

"Uh... well... that escalated quickly.", he said.

* * *

"Where are you, damn it.", I whispered to myself. Mistah Jay told me that Reddie was the best scavenger we had, so obviously I wanted to take him with me on a mission. "I'll check his room.", I thought to myself. Usually, the rooms were empty (lack of TV, radio and guys' stench were the main reasons), but he could've been tired and go to sleep early.

I opened the door.

"Hey guys, is Reddie...", I said and froze.

Sharky, hugging naked Wacky, thankfully covering him.

"Uh... I see he's not here.", I said and quickly left the room, closing the door.

"Wait, Harley !", Sharky shouted and pushed Wacky away.

"I think that's perfectly okay, by the way !", I yelled to him through the door and walked away to find Reddie.

* * *

"_Workin' on our Night Moves..._", I muttered to myself in a sing sang voice while polishing my trusted carbine rifle.

"Reddie, thank God you're here.", Harley said and I turned back to see her. I smiled, but then she said "I'm not sure how much more of this search I could stand."

"O-kay. So, what's the deal ?"

"Mistah J sent us on a mission. We need to steal somethin' from Two-Face."

"Wait, 'us' ? He's sending you as well ?"

"You gotta problem with that ?", she said and took out her Scorpion submachine gun, a model with a fine wooden texture.

"Not at all.", I said and smiled. "What's the target ?"

"That's a secret.", Harley said simply. "I know what it is, you just need to get me through the city."

"Right, ma'am. When do we leave ?"

"Now. We need to get back before the evening."

"But... night is the best time to travel.", I said, but one her glare was enough to convince me.

"Oh, and by the way, Reddie..."

"Hmm ?"

"If you left anything useful in your room, leave it. For your own sake."


	9. The Adventure Goes On ! Kind of

"Are we there yet ?"

"We didn't go out yet.", I said and Harley looked at me with disappointment. I realised this was going to be one helluva trip.

"You suck at your job.", she said.

"But we didn't even... urgh, just gimme the map.", I said and she handed me a piece of paper, with drawings that were probably erased dozens of times.

"Who draw that ? Abramovici ?"

"I draw it.", Harley said with annoyance.

"Uh... the journey awaits, ma'am.", I said and we boft left the Steel Mill, both of us being sure that this will be a looong road.

* * *

We were walking though the alley, trying to be as quiet as possible.

Harley was several feet behind me, while I was looking for any signs of danger. Then, just around the corner, I noticed bunch'a Penguin's thugs.

I stopped Harley with one hand, still looking at the thugs. There was seven of them.

"Reddie..."

"Tough fight...", I whispered.

"Reddie."

"Not now, Harl."

"Reddie, you idiot !", she yelled and I looked at her, realising that through all that time, I unconsciously held my hand on her chest. Her 'chesties', to be exact.

"Hey, who's there ?!", one of the thugs shouted and they spotted us.

"Reddie, I'm gonna kill ya right now !", Harl shouted.

"You won't be able to if **these **guys do it !"

Harl just sighed and walked over the corner.

"Harley, wait !", I said, but it was too late. "Jay's gonna kill me..."

I heard a series of gunshots and a high-pitched scream. I peeked behind the corner, trying to spot a something that would resemble Harley's leftovers.

What I saw shocked me.

"Can we go already ?", Harley asked with bored expression while holding her machine gun, which was still letting out smoke through the barrel. She was surrounded by dead guys. Those 'I don't feel like living with a giant gaping hole in my FOREHEAD' kind of dead guys.

"You... you killed them !"

"What, are you a cop of something ? Why does it matter ?"

"It... it doesn't... I mean, I could've done it with one hand...", I said and realised how awkward my words must sounded to her.

"Yeah, right.", she said shortly and we continued our journey.

* * *

"Reddie ?"

"Yeah ?"

"Where did 'Reddie' come from ?"

I gave her a funny look.

"Because I wear a red hoodie ?", I said slowly, grabbing my hood at the same time.

"Shouldn't they call you 'Red Hood', then ?"

"JASOOON !", someone shouted in a really gritty, yet familiar voice.

Both me and Harley ignored that shout.

"Naah. 'Reddie' is what the rest of guys called me. Wacky, Sharky and Grey are older than me, so they called me like if I was a kid...", I said and frowned.

"Is it about the Kid ?", Harley asked.

"Huh ? How do you know about him ?"

"Wacky told me."

"He told you ? Huh. After he screwed everything up, I didn't expect him to ever mention it again."

"Uh... what'cha mean 'screwed up' ?"

"He didn't tell you about it ? 'course he didn't. What did he tell ya, exactly ?"

"That you were robbing a bank and the Bat appeared and almost plucked Kid's eye out with his nipples."

"Well, that's only a part of story..."

**Five years earlier...**

The Bat-nipple-man appeared, along with a young boy. Nothing even remotely creepy about that.

We were all trembling, watching this creature having some argument with the boy.

"Oooh, a penny !", Wacky said and reached out to grab it, but he unconsciously pushed the Kid right into the creature.

The attack of the Bat-nipples has began.

"There's a whole freaking vault full of gold bars down there !", I yelled at him.

"Try putting a gold bar into vending machine, dummy.", Wacky answered.

"You won't even BUY anything for a penny !"

"Those are the little things that matters."

**Five years later... which is basically 'presence'...**

"And I thought the first version of the story was weird.", Harley said.

"After that, Kid left the crime behind him. He moved into Blüdhaven and started selling origami animals."

"I guess that's good."

"Week later, Bruce Wayne visited the shop. After he found out that they weren't selling bats, someone burned down the place."

"I guess that's not good."

"Kid managed to build another one. He even started to make origami bats."

"I guess that is good."

"Bruce Wayne visited again and after he found out that the bats sold in the store didn't have nipples, the place burned down again."

"What's with Bruce Wayne, bats and nipples ?", Harley asked. We both thought extensively for a minute.

Then we realised it.

"He's a furry !", we both said in unison.

After coming to this conclusion, we continued our journey for Two-Face's treasure.

* * *

Grey was relaxing in his secret room, sitting in his favourite armchair.

He took another sip of his tea.

"The finest of teas, Earl Grey. Good quality combined with affordable price. Probably the only thing that comes from China and was imitiated in Europe, not the other way around.", he said and took another sip, then looked into the camera with a creepy, unnatural smile.

"Earl Grey - when you... Grey."

* * *

_Author's note:_

_I know the last part could've sound a little bit weird, but seriously, what kind of slogan a tea could have ? "Good handling" ? "Sporty look" ?  
_


	10. The Adventure Ends ! For now

"We just need to get into the vents, then follow the straight line and go left two times. Got it ?", Harley asked.

"Can't we just use the doors ?", I answered. "They were left open and the building seems to be abandoned."

"Oh, come on. You really think Two-Face left the door opened like that ? It's a trap."

**Meanwhile...**

"I'm telling you, this is a very dumb idea.", Two-Face's scarred side said.

"Oh, come on. I just want to let some fresh air in before our guest arrives.", Harvey-side answered.

"Ever heard of a window ?"

"How about I push you from that window ?"

"You wanna piece of me ?!", scarred side said.

"You ARE a piece of me !"

**Back to our villains...**

"It's so tight...", Harley muttered while crawling through the vents, while I was crawling behind her.

"Thaaaat's what she said !", I said with a big grin while Harley just sighed.

"Why are the boys so immature ? By the way, I sent a fart in your way.", she added and chuckled while I started to panic. The ventilation system was NOT working.

"Gee, I'm just kidding. What do I have to do to get a laugh in this place ?", Harl said.

"Wearing outfit like that is a good start."

"Shut up, Reddie."

Suddenly, Harley looked down, through the crate in the vent. What she saw must've been terrifying, since she became almost green, despite her make-up.

"What ? What happened ?", I whispered.

"You don't wanna know. Just don't look down.", she said.

I looked down like an idiot.

"_Just a small shark... on the sky._", Two-Face sang to himself while sitting on the toilet. The stench coming out of the bathroom was unbearable; the running water, and therefore the toilets, was not availabe in Arkham City.

"Don't move.", Harley whispered.

"Why ?!", I whispered back with confusion, making a 'are you fucking mad' kind of face.

"He can hear us."

When Two-Face was done, he came over to a small bucket filled with water and with piece of soap floating in it.

"Let the coin decide.", he said. He flipped the coin and it landed on the scarred side.

Just like that, Two-Face left the bathroom

"He doesn't wash his hands ?!", I whispered to Harley with shock.

"He's evil, remember ?"

"Urgh... besides, what song was that ?"

"I dunno. I'm just trying to push this picture out of my mind."

Finally, Harley stopped crawling and said "This is the right room. Gimme the screwdriver."

"What screwdriver ?"

"You don't have the screwdriver with you ?", Harley asked nervously.

"I gave it to you."

"Damn. It must've slipped out of my pocket. Crawl back and find it.", she said.

I started to crawl backwards, when suddenly I heard a quiet, metallic sound. Then the sound of something hitting the wooden floor.

"Freakin' fruit basket.", I muttered. I accidentaly pushed the screwdriver through the crate.

"What's going on ?", Harl asked impatiently.

"The crate in this place is loose enough for me to undo. I'll go and get the screwdriver."

"What ? Uh, okay, just... just make this quick."

I took care of the crate and then, slowly and gracefully... I won't bullshit you, I landed on my ass.

"Ouch...", I muttered.

"Stop being a baby.", Harley hissed on me. "Where's the screwdriver ?"

"Up my ass."

"It's not the time to be a douche. Where is it ?"

"No. It really IS up my ass."

Harley got pale.

"No, no, no, no. Please, tell me you can pull it out by yourself."

"That's also what she said.", I said and showed her the screwdriver, laying next to me.

"Urgh, for Mistah J's sake, Reddie you asshole...", Harley said when suddenly, her arm slipped and she fell out of the vent, right on the ground.

Right on me, to be exact.

She was laying on me, her nose touching mine. Well, mine clown-nose, to be exact.

My heart started pounding, she started to blush.

My clown nose was making quiet, squeaky sound.

"So... how's your gradma ?", Harley asked.

"Uh... good. She's been attending a computer class or something like that."

"Oh... that's cool. I think it's important for older people to get a grasp on the latest technologies."

"Yeah. Especially since it all goes really fast, ya'know, the electronics and stuff."

"Yeah."

We stayed like that in awkward silence, when suddenly, the door opened and Two-Face entered the bathroom, only to freeze in his tracks.

He was looking at us for a moment.

"I told you not to eat this crap.", the scarred side said.

"You were eating it as well."

"Because we share a mouth, dumbass. Now we both share this trip.", the scarred side said and Two-Face left the bathroom.

"Huh... this guy is a weirdo...", Harley said with a smirk.

"Right ?", I said with a smile and then we both realised Harl was still laying on top of me.

She suddenly got up, grabbed the screwdriver and said "Help me get into the vent."

"Uh, sure... ma'am."

* * *

We found the right room and I unscrewed the bolts holding the crate.

We both stepped down into the room and I immediately noticed the strongbox that we were looking for.

"What's inside ?", Reddie asked.

"A big pile of none-of-your-buisness."

Reddie moaned and turned back, standing in the corner like a punished child.

"May I take a look ?", he asked.

"No."

"Pleeeaase ?"

"No. And stop whining.", I said and opened the box. I hid the treasure in the bag that I took with me.

"Harley.", Reddie said. "Before we go... why did you start wearing your jester hat again ?"

"That's... that's not important."

* * *

We reached the Steel Mill and I insisted on walking Harley to Jay's office.

"Reddie... I think after all we went through, you deserve to see the treasure..."

"Whoa, really ? Won't Jay be mad ?"

"He doesn't have to know.", she said and took out some object from the bag.

She opened her hand and my sight landed on a silver coin.

"But... but why ?", I asked.

"Without it, old Jekyll and Hyde is unable to make any decision. He won't stop Mistah J from taking Arkham City over.", Harley said with a smile.

"Harl.", I said and looked her in the eyes. "About what happened... you know, in that bathroom... I just want you to know..."

"Yes ?", she asked and held her breath.

"... that you really need to get some toothpaste.", I said.

"You're still an asshole !", she yelled.

I walked away, just so she couldn't see me, and shedded a single tear.

* * *

"Puddin' ?", I asked and Mistah J noticed me. He must've been practising hand-to-hand combat, since he was breathing heavily and a mannequin with Bat's picture on it was laying on the ground.

"I got it.", I said and showed him my bag.

"Great. Gimme that.", Mistah J said. I threw my old pennie away and took out a package of viagra, stolen from the strongbox.

"Finally !", Mistah J said. "That's so embarrassing..."

"Don't worry, puddin'. Many clowns at your age..."

"WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION. NEVER !"

* * *

"I don't know what happened.", Two-Face said to the woman laying next to him. "It usually doesn't happen to me."

"Having only half of your penis erected never happens to you ?", she asked.

"Well... it sounds pretty stupid when you put it like that..."

"It must also feel pretty stupid when you **put** it like that."

"Urgh... and I wanted to try a threesome so badly.", Two-Face said. "At least I still have my coin.", he said and started flipping it.

"That's the only thing you're flipping tonight.", the woman said. "Wait... where were you keeping that ?"

"In the safest place possible."


	11. Who's Your Daddy? No, seriously, who?

_SectumSemprae : I think Reddie and Harley will have some more interaction from now on. I mean, they create lots of reasons to heart them :)_

_xxcbearsfreakxx : Well, Two-Face is kind of a scape-goat in this series. Better get used to that ;)_

_This chapter was uploaded faster than expected, since you showed some really great support, guys :)_

* * *

"Oh God, I'm screwed. I'm incredibly screwed. There is no prison big enough to store the sheer amount of screwdiness that is waiting for me."

"Yo, Red, what'cha got there?", some guys shouted to me from a distance. I was back from the scavenging and they probably wanted something.

"Uh... nothing!"

God, I'm an idiot.

"Don't ya have a beer over there?", one of them asked and walked over to me along with his pal.

"Nope. No beer. At all."

"Oh, c'mon, man, I'm dry as Jay's buttcrack.", one of them said.

"Sorry. I ain't got nothing.", I said and quickly walked away, feeling a sudden movement in my backpack.

I came into my room, which was empty, thankfully. Wacky and Sharky were probably at the shooting range. I had no idea where Grey could be, he liked to disappear from time to time.

I placed the backpack on my bed and undid the buckles.

"Don't you look at me like that, you had some holes to breath through."

I took the baby out of the bag and placed it on the mattress.

"Just by the way, if you poop in your diaper, you gotta change it yourself.", I said and the toddler just looked at me curiously.

"Are you a boy or a girl?", I asked. The toddler obviously didn't answer. "You should have, like, a big bow on your head or sumthin'."

The baby laughed a little, like if it understood. I carefully undid the diaper and suddenly a stream blinded me.

Without even opening my eyes, I said "It's a boy. Definitely a boy."

I put the diaper back and only now I realised that as much as convenient it would be, the baby probably wouldn't be satisfied with booze and that dog food they've been giving us.

"I gotta go and find something... maybe Penguin has some?"

The image of Penguin sitting on top of the big pile of baby-food jars, wearing a diaper and laughing demonically.

"Some what?", Harley asked while entering the room.

I quickly stood up, hiding the baby from her sight.

"Oh, hey Harl!", I said with way too much joy.

"Hey... what'cha got there?"

"Uh... just some porn. Regular stuff."

"How cute. Did I interrupt you something?", Harley asked sarcastically.

"No... I mean, yeah! I was, like, in the middle of... you-know-whatting."

"Momma...", the toddler muttered.

"What was that?", Harley asked suspiciously.

"That? Uh, that was me! I often think about my mom when I..."

Harley gave me the most disgusted look on Earth.

"Urgh, I gotta go.", she said with utter contempt.

I let out a quiet sigh.

Then the baby started to cry.

Harley looked at me and this time, I couldn't say it was me.

"What... the... hell...", she muttered and pushed me away with great force and her sight landed on a baby.

"You'd better give me some explanation better than porn. Or I'll cut your junk off.", she said with incredible anger.

"What?! You don't think that I... really?! Oh, c'mon.", I said, offended by her assumptions. Although to be fair, it looked really suspicious.

"How did you get that baby?", Harley asked, still angry.

"I found it on the scavenging. Someone just left him in an old building, all by himself.", I said.

Harley looked at me. "... I believe you.", she said and gently grabbed the baby. "We went through enough crap together."

She looked at the toddler and made a cute smile.

"What's yer name, sweetie? You kinda look like Allison."

"It's a boy."

"How do you know?", she asked.

"You don't wanna know."

"You want me to get suspisious again?"

"Urgh, I just checked. Anyway, what will you do about it now?", I asked.

"Whaddya mean?"

"Jay would probably want to know about this. But it probably won't end well for the baby."

"Mistah J is not like this."

"Oh, c'mon. You really think Jay won't do anything crazy?"

* * *

I was thinking about J.J for a moment. How puddin' suggested to put him on a shooting range. Reddie was right.

"I won't tell anyone.", I said. "Although... I think that Grey should know."

"What? Why?"

"Just trust me, okay? I'll find a place for him to stay."

* * *

"YOU HAVE A SECRET ROOM?!"

"I told you it's not a good idea.", Grey said to me. Reddie didn't seem to be quite happy with that knowledge.

"How long did you have that place?!", Reddie asked.

"I'm not sure. A couple months?", Grey said.

"MONTHS?! Someone shat on my bed a week ago. I had to sleep on the floor!"

"Actually, that's kinda my fault.", I said.

"You... you shat on my bed?!", Reddie asked with disbelief.

"No, you idiot! My dog did."

"So you have a dog?!"

"Yeah."

"How many secrets do you got, folks?! Tomorrow I'll find out that Wacky is running around the rooftops in a freaking adamantium costume!"

"Ada-what?", I asked.

"Urgh, nevermind!", Reddie said and sighed. He was rubbing his temples intensively for a moment. "So, let me get this straight. You want to keep the baby in that room, along with a dog and an older man, who may or may not be of royal descent?"

"Yep. That's basically it."

Reddie just sighed. "I need to ask Jay for a raise."

* * *

"Who's mommy's little treasure? Yes, you are!", Harley mumbled to a child.

"You have no idea how dumb you look.", I said. I already started to regret that I let Harley find out.

"I'm just tryin' to entertain him."

"I was talking about your outfit.", I said with a smirk.

"Reddie, you... you mean goose.", Harley said, watching her tongue for the first time in weeks.

"Mean goose? I already like this kid. Not only he makes you act funny but he also makes you talk less."

"Oh, shut up already.", Harley said with annoyance.

"How 'bout you shut up?"

We would probably go on like this for many hours, if it wasn't for the baby, which started crying.

"Oh, good Lord...", I whispered.

"See what ya did?", Harl said.

"What I did? You...", I said, but the baby kept crying. "Urgh, nevermind. What should we do?"

"I dunno. You could've think of that before, smartass.", Harley said and flicked my nose in annoyance. The clown-nose produced a loud, squeaky sound, which attracted baby's attention. The toddler stopped crying and looked at me with this characteristic, curious look.

"He likes that.", I said and pressed the nose again. "He surely likes clowns."

"That's weird.", Harley said. "Clowns are freakin' creepy."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

After recollecting my thoughts, drinking some wine (when Grey offered me some 'fine Earl Grey', I just slapped him in the face) and coming to my senses, I said "Harl..."

"Hmm?"

"You do realise that someome is probably looking for that kid? Someone who was left behind during that whole evacuation?"

"Yeah? And what your plan is, huh? Just walking around the prison and asking if somebody wants a baby?"

"Of course not...", I said and scrapped the idea. "But someone may be looking for him."

"If someone was dumb enough to left him all alone in Arkham City, then I don't think they are very good at parenting.", Harl pointed out.

"Maybe you're right... you really like that kid, don't ya?"

"Yeah. What, you don't?", she asked.

"I dunno. I feel kinda weird around the kids. Must be a family thing, since I've never seen my old man.", I said and smiled. That wasn't a happy smile.

"I'm sorry.", Harl said and stood up from her armchair. She placed her hand on my shoulder for a moment and sent me a warm smile.

"I gotta go; Mistah J will wonder where I am.", Harley said.

"Sure. I'll take care of everything."

"Oh, and Reddie..."

"Yes ?"

"You gotta change his diaper.", Harl said and ran out of the room.

The baby looked at me with unhappy expression.

"... I can't believe how much I hate everything."


	12. Papa Red and Momma Harl

"We meet again... poop."

The foul object was layin' on the old diaper, looking at me with hostility. The baby was looking at me with equally hostile expression.

"OK, little dude, just give your papa Reddie a moment to look for a new... shit."

We ran out of diapers.

"Damn... damn, damn!"

The baby started cryin'; I immediately gave him the pacifier that Grey bought for me from Penguin.

"Hell, I gotta check if Grey came back with new supply.", I said to the baby. The toddler just looked at me curiously while sucking the pacifier.

"I'll be back.", I added and left Grey's not-so-secret room.

* * *

I was in the middle of hiding jars of baby-food in my locker, when Reddie came to me.

"Hey, Harl, I gotta check on Grey. Could you take care of...?", he said and made an awkward gesture.

"Of Ryan?", I asked.

"Ryan?"

"The t-o-d-d-l-e-r."

"I'm not good at French.", Reddie said.

I sent him an annoyed look and scanned the area with my eyes. "The boy, smartass."

"Uh... why Ryan?"

"He looks like Ryan."

"That's stupid.", he answered.

"And why is that?", I asked, even more annoyed than before.

"You can't judge people's name by their face.", he said and looked at me with focus. "You look like Helga."

"Go check on Grey. **Now**."

* * *

"How exactly all of this happened?", I asked Grey.

The terrible image of slaughter and suffering surrounded him. Bodies, guts and bloody signs of victims trying to crawl away. All of that and more covered the old side-walk. The stench of filth mixed with unbearable odor of death.

"This guy over here... and here...", Grey pointed out two halves of a guy with his rifle. "... was pretty funny. And **I don't like funny guys**."

"YOU WORK FOR THE JOKER!"

"I don't see the point."

"Urgh... I'm gonna get mad in this place...", I muttered and took the damn pack of diapers from him. It was time for me to go back.

"You're going on scavenging now, right?", I asked the older man.

"Right. After I find my keys in this mess."

"What keys?"

"Uh... remember when you found out about my secret room?"

"Yeah.", I said slowly.

"Don't freak out."

* * *

"**HE HAS A CAR?!**", I was thinking to myself, boiling in anger. I was back at the Steel Mill and I entered the secret room. Harley was inside, singing and holding a baby.

"_Hush, little baby, don't say a word._

_Momma's gonna buy you phone with Angry Birds._

_And if you don't like Angry Birds..._

Then tough shit, because I ain't buying you any of that 'Candy Crap Saga' bullshit."

Harley noticed me and smiled. "Hey, yer back."

"Yeah, I am. What is this diaper doing on the baby?", I asked with confusion.

"I had some more in my locker.", she answered.

"So you're telling me that Grey did a massacre for no reason?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. How's the boy doing?"

Harley gave me a meaningful look.

"Urgh... how's Ryan doing?"

"Pretty good, I think. There's just one thing...", she said.

"What?"

"Just... just look."

Harley started tickling the baby, which let out a laughter. That alone wouldn't be weird, if it wasn't for the fact that the baby let out the most dialabolical laughter in the history of tickling.

"That's... that's kinda creepy.", Harley said.

"This is a super-villain's kid.", Grey said. He was sitting in his armchair, but we didn't see him enter.

"How did you get here?!", me and Harley screamed in unison.

"Well..."

"Oh, oh, let me guess.", I interrupted him. "You got, like, secret passages all over Arkam City which allow you to travel around the city unnoticed or some shit."

"Pff, that would be stupid.", Grey said and cackled. "I have a teleporting watch.", he said, pressed the button on the watch and disappeared.

Harley looked at me; I look at her.

"We'll never mention that again?", I asked.

"Deal."

"Grey said that this is a super-villain's kid. But there are only few of them in Arkham City.", I said.

"Who may that be?", Harl asked.

"Penguin?"

"No way. The baby doesn't have a giant nose.", she said.

"But he's bald.", I said with a smirk and Harley chuckled. "OK, maybe not the Penguin. How about Two-Face?"

"Uuuh... no."

"Why?"

"Just trust me on this.", she said with a mysterious smile.

"OK, if you say so. How about Killer Croc?"

"No way. The baby doesn't look like a pair of shoes, now does it?"

"Right. Poison Ivy?", I asked.

"Naaah... Red isn't the type."

"What?"

"I meant... uh... she's a feminist, right?"

"So who's left?", I asked with confusion.

"... Mr. Freeze."

This image of Freeze, holding a baby with his frozen wife on the couch.

"Please, infant, stop crying.", Freeze said in his emotionless voice. "Stop this instant and you will be given a highly processed piece of rubber and plastic, called 'pacifier' despite not being used in combat nor riots."

The baby kept crying.

"Nora... sweetie... honey?"

The ice did not respond.

"You just keep sitting there for all days! Please, talk to me!"

Still cold as ice.

"You don't help me at all! We're getting divorced.", Freeze said and left their icy apartement. "I'm the only one taking care of Frederick."

"Why 'Frederick'?", Harley asked.

"That's **my** fantasy. And I think Freeze would call a baby like that."

"I'm pretty sure he's not Freeze's, though. Considering his old lady's state, any warmth between them would kill her. Literally.", Harl said.

"Then maybe Scarecrow's?"

"Turn the imagination again."

Scarecrow, in a terrifying, baby-blue room, covering his face (with his mask still on) with his hands, then making a "peek-a-boo!" to the baby, which started crying. Scarecrow made the "oops" expression. "Shhh, please, daddy didn't mean to...", he said, waving a half-burned teddy bear in front of the kid.

"I don't think that psycho would have a baby.", Harley said.

"There's also Bane."

Bane, in the coach's outfit, with a baseball cap and a whistle.

"C'mon, baby, push it!"

The baby was laying on the ground, more interested in the nearby butterfly than in doing push-ups.

"C'MON! MAKE DADDY PROUD!"

The baby was kinda bored.

"AND DON'T YOU TAKE DRUGS!"

"What if he'd buy him a puppy?", Harl suggested and chuckled.

"Here you go, son.", Bane said. The baby gently patted the dog.

Then Bane grabbed the dog and broke it on his knee.

"WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT?!"

"I don't think the roid-monkey would have a baby, neither.", Quinnie said. We both shared a good laugh.

"So... who's baby is it?", I asked.

"For now - ours.", she said and sent me a smile.


End file.
